Recently my man spent some time out of town. Okay, so it was over 3 months beginning just 2 days after our daughter was born. I grew a lot during those months. I learned how to be self sufficient, to communicate more effectively, and most importantly I finally started feeling like a woman.
I was able to kick the victim complex I’ve had for most of my youth. Essentially I’d see things as me against the world, and if life sucked at least something cared enough one way or the other to make it suck. If the universe seemed to be conspiring against me I’d find some enjoyment in the dramatic and sometimes tragic thrill of it all. I figured out that I had been playing the victim in my relationship since near the beginning of it. Getting hurt gave me an excuse for my own failures (example: I wouldn’t be getting close and talking this way to someone else if he hadn’t cheated and created this rift between us).
I kept telling myself I forgave him, but part of me wanted to wallow in it. It became my excuse for absolving my own guilt. Three months apart taught me that I don’t need to be trampled on to feel like a good person. Those months taught me just how much unnecessary pain I had caused to myself and to others.
Here’s what I’m getting at: when it comes to relationships, you can’t ride the fence. Go all in or get out. Don’t stay because you have to, or you think you need to. Don’t leave because it’s just too much BS. See if things can be fixed, and figure out if you want them to be fixed. If they can’t, move on. If they can, and it’s what you want, fight for it. If you’re staying with someone who hurt you but you’re wallowing in the pain instead of healing, its not a good dynamic. Stop wallowing, start living. And if you find someone else, don’t put everyone through hell by going back and forth. Pick a man (or woman), and if you can’t, get some distance from both until you can make a decision (assuming they actually want to be with you, of course. And if he doesn’t say he wants to, assume he doesn’t. If he’s too chicken to tell you he doesn’t deserve you anyway).
Most importantly, if you’re that masochistic type, the world is not out to get you. You are in control of your destiny. I know exactly where my victim complex came from *coughMYMOMcough* and I’ve seen how destructive it is to everyone. You are stronger than you think. And if you don’t think you can change, just think what exhibiting that kind of behavior will do to your children one day.
Relationships take a lot of work. Feelings will wax and wane. Just make sure you have a strong enough foundation to withstand the storms, and you’ll make it through. Through sheer force of will, if nothing else. Learning these lessons the hard way sucks. I hope this helps someone. =)
